Three Considerations in Setting Boundaries
Last week I was honored to speak at the NBCAAM annual conference to a group of animal bodyworkers and professionals on the topic of boundaries. I have struggled with boundaries over the years, in understanding their purpose, setting them, being clear about holding my boundaries, and in knowing how to act when I felt my boundaries were challenged. I often struggled with resentment when an implicit boundary was crossed, setting boundaries that were way too firm and even unstated and shutting others out, and feeling depleted as I agonized about missing opportunities if I held a boundary and offended someone else. As I’ve grown in my knowledge and approach to boundaries, I’ve more recently realized how a thoughtful, clear, confident approach to setting boundaries can actually open up more connection and compassion for others. I’ve shifted my idea of boundaries from a fortress more to fencing.
Here are a few takeaways and reflections on questions I received at the conference. Check back for part two tomorrow!
My boundaries are not your boundaries.
One of the repeated themes in the questions I received from conference participants was, “What do I do when…”, “How would you set a boundary in ____ situation?” And much to the dismay of the attendees, I didn’t get a five point plan to what exact boundaries they needed to set. And the reason is simple: What is important to me in setting boundaries, is different than what is important to you. Setting boundaries has to align with your personal values, your personal situation, the context you are in in that exact moment, the history you have in setting boundaries, the history you have with the other person or situation you are setting boundaries with and more.
When I’ve started businesses and have created a list of policies, I’ve often done a quick google search to see what other similar businesses put in place. This exercise is often helpful in bringing up potential policies and boundaries I might want to consider setting, however, I have never found simply copying and pasting someone else’s policies into my own document; they don’t all apply to my situation, and they don’t all feel aligned or even necessary. And that is true for boundaries; if they are not your own they will not work!
When setting boundaries it is important to first be clear on your values. Say perhaps you hold sacred your time with your family on the weekends. Everyone is running in a million different directions during the week, and as a family you have decided to keep Sundays completely devoted to family activities. However, you also have a value around growth in business and your own knowledge and development as a bodyworker. You get interest from a barn that has a large client base for you, one you have been trying to connect with for a long time. They want you to work on all their horses, but the catch it they want you to work on their horses every Sunday and Wednesday. Your bodyworker friends tell you must take this opportunity, if you don’t someone else will swoop in and take it and that you’ll never get another opportunity like this. They encourage you to shift your family time to another time and not to lose the business and the opportunities it will open up for you. You consider that, but also know that you have many upcoming plans that will make it very hard to shift your family time, and you also really value spending this time together before everyone goes back to their busy lives. Here, any choice could be correct, but only the person in the situation can choose for themselves if this boundary is worth shifting after taking a look at their values, and the costs and benefits of shifting the boundary.
I gave an example in my presentation about having an interaction with a man who passed by as I was training my horse, offered to help me a few times, and I held my boundary. I later found out the man had been unhoused, had previously worked with horses, and was trying to connect with horses in that moment. That created conflict for me later, as I realized I might have approached setting my boundary with a bit more curiosity. In the comments, a participant commented that he was “being creepy” and my boundary was appropriate. She was absolutely correct, that could have been the case. However, my experience in setting the boundary in the moment was not about feeling physically unsafe, it had been more of a reaction to being a positive reinforcement trainer and often feeling judged by others for doing so. So, my boundary came from a place of shutting down any conversation as opposed to curiosity about why the man thought I needed help or his suggestions. Either boundary was appropriate, and someone else may have felt unsafe in that situation and creating a firm boundary around safety would have been entirely appropriate, but that was’t my motivation in the moment! Everyone’s boundaries are personal and we must reflect on what value are we protecting, what are limits are, and how to set someone else and ourselves up for success in honoring and understanding the boundary.
You can change your boundaries at any time.
Boundaries shift, boundaries change, boundaries can evolve based on our context, the situation we are in, what people are involved, new information we receive, ways we are prioritizing our values, and for any reason at all! What once might have been a yes, can absolutely become a hard no! What is important is that you are clear with yourself on what value you are upholding, why you are shifting your boundary, and that you clearly communicate that shift with yourself and others.
For instance, when I started my intervention business, I wanted to be flexible and accept whatever payment each of my clients was most comfortable with. It was easier and less expensive for me to exclude credit card payments and many of my clients preferred to pay by check or through ACH transfer. However, I had to shift this flexibility for a number of reasons over time. For one, I spent a lot of time chasing down unpaid invoices. That was a lot of time spent on feeling frustrated and resentful when I wanted to be spending time supporting students. I grew anxious as I waited for payment and wondered if I would be able to pay my own bills. I also grew to add an administrative assistant to my team who was remote, so it was hard for her to know if invoices were paid when I was receiving checks in the mail. So, I shifted to paid packaging and required automatic payment by credit card. I clearly communicated that this change would allow me to spend more time devoted to supporting my students and families and would streamline my administrative services to keep costs down. I also shared with them that some months I was waiting on 20K in unpaid invoices. I thanked the families for honoring this change and communicated that if they were uncomfortable with moving forward with the change, I would assist them in finding another suitable interventionist.
Shifting boundaries can take place in other contexts like personal relationships as well. Say for instance you’ve been helping with childcare for a family member. But you feel like you are being expected to do more and more and it is making you feel resentful because you are not spending the time you need to spend on your business, interests, and relationships. You value both connection and relationship with your family, but also your growth and creativity in your own life. You feel conflict because you also value being trustworthy and dependable. It is OK to reset this boundary, or even set one if you never did in the first place. You clearly communicate: I so value being part of your life and you trusting me to take care of your children. I love spending time with them. I also value growing my business, and personal interests and relationships. I feel like I am having trouble prioritizing that because I always want to say yes to support you. Going forward I will need to pull back on being able to watch your kids last minute. I would like to still support you by committing to watching them once a month at a regular time that works for both of us. What time would work best for you?
Clear boundaries create choice and better communication and less discomfort
When we know why we are putting a boundary into place, how it is aligned with our values and our priorities, and what our limits are, we can communicate those boundaries more confidently and comfortably. So many people asked in my conference session, explore this topic in coaching sessions, and in my personal life I face the same. If we are not clear on why we are putting a boundary in place, it is challenging to clearly communicate this boundary.
First, we often operate on assumed boundaries. Sometimes a boundary is so apparent to us, we would never think of crossing this boundary, BUT it is not clear to someone else. Boundaries, like values are personal and influenced by factors unique to each person’s own societal, religious, familial, educational, religious, work, and overall life experience. If we are operating on assumed boundaries, we are going to run into a lot of discomfort, resentment, and even questions of self-worth. I certainly have faced this challenge! I remember a number of years ago an acquaintance calling me from out of town, her horse was having a medical issue and she asked if I could go and meet the vet. It was really an inopportune time, but I was worried about the horse and dropped everything as I was worried about her horse. It turned into multiple months of taking on the responsibility of care, multiple vet visits, and not being able to get in touch with the owner, who would days later respond to a voicemail about the vet needing her permission to do something. Often these voicemails would say she’d been out with friends or doing some vacation activity. My resentment grew as I was sacrificing time with my own animals, was unable to engage in activities I loved, and was disrupting my own business to support her horse. I reached my boiling point when she sent me a message saying she was going to stay out of town a few extra weeks. No question on whether I was ok with that, was I available to support her horse, or even a thank you. I was so angry. In a conversation with my sister, I was lamenting how angry I was, and she said, “Did you ever tell her no? Why would she think there was an issue if you haven’t ever told her there was one?” She was right. I’d never communicated a boundary, I never stepped back halfway through an tried to set a boundary, instead I just kept suffering, building resentment, anger, and questioning my own self-worth as I felt taken advantage of. I assumed no one would ever cross my implicit boundaries and that others would understand how they were impacting me. I was never clear with myself or my acquaintance. I never thought about what values were being violated. I never set a limit. In the end, I was the one causing all the issues for myself. I never gave her a choice on how to respond, I just jumped in to fix the problem.
Second, sometimes we put such firm boundaries in place (been there after learning my lessons from setting NO boundaries!), that we say no to everything. This step can be very important in strengthening our muscle to set boundaries and say no! However, there can be consequences. First, saying no to everything can shut down our ability to connect with others. When we say no to everything as a policy, we act from a place of control usually out of fear or anxiety (and often, like me, from a place of failing to set boundaries in past experiences!). Sometimes, we may so no to certain things, or certain people, as a regular boundary or policy because of our own challenges or another person’s history of behavior, and that is totally appropriate! Everyone sets their own boundaries. But, if we are not clear on why we are saying no, we can also open ourselves up to more problems. For instance, if I automatically say no, but don’t have clarity on why I am saying no, my confidence will suffer, and I may leave an opening for someone else to challenge my boundary. With this lack of confidence and clarity, I am more likely to move my boundary to make the other person feel more comfortable, leading me back into the cycle of resentment, self-doubt, an anxiety, frustration, and anger. Say for instance, someone asks you to trade a bodywork session for a lesson. You’ve been warned by other professionals not to do any trades. So you immediately say no to this trainer. She pushes back and tries to convince you and because you don’t want to offend her you say yes. Later you find out that she charges much less for your lesson, and since it was an informal trade, you never made her sign your policies. You show up on the day you scheduled to do bodywork and have your lesson, and the trainer isn’t there. You are annoyed because you not only didn’t get what you signed up for, you also lost a lot of time and income that day. Going forward, you decide to be clearer on why you are saying no to trades. You might say something like, Thanks so much for appreciating my work! I really value my relationships with clients, and I have found it works best for me to avoid trades. This policy helps me manage my schedule and relationships. If you are interested in scheduling a session for your horse, I’d love to work with you. I can share some availability and my intake forms. How would you like to proceed?” Being clear on your boundaries and confidently communicating them, you are giving yourself a choice in how you respond to a request, choice to the other person on how to respond to your boundary, and will lead to less discomfort in the long run.
Check back tomorrow for additional takeaways from my conversation with conference participants on boundary setting in business and life.
